Gryphon

So I am living and working in Tacoma.  Surviving day to day. I still miss Ghostwolf, she recently broke up with the guy after me and moved to Mount Lake Terrace. When we where together she agreed to be each others mates. I really wish I would have used more digression in my choice. Ghostwolf I want my heart back, I still feel pain over our separation,  I want closure.  I know it has been two and half years since we broke up, but  the four years I dated her changed me lots. I can't change the past but what I learned from my relationship with her has affected how I act in new relationships.

My former boss calls me back and informs me that the other two co-owners stated at this time they can not guarantee me my job back. So until I can land a job in Seattle, I will be unable to move back. sigh!

My former bosses are  deciding whether to loan me the money to move  back to Seattle. I hope they say yes. I have a place lined out with my former roommate James.  So Move expenses I can think of so far $2500 (covers van/trailer and gas)  How much do I need  for food, smokes and tolls charges I guess?

Here goes nothing this is my Gryph needs help button.

Grandma is paying for the move now all I will need is money for food and smokes!

I called my old boss to get info about unemployment since I still don't have a job in Kansas yet. If I can come up with money and get to Seattle with in the next two weeks I can get my old job back. Idea's or suggestions?

I wandered to the beginning of my Livejournal today and after reading some of my past posts I came to a conclusion or two. I can not blame my life on anyone other than myself. And two that I am perfectly myself without dating someone. Most of my writing in here seems to be me whining about one lost love or another. I do not need a relationship to make myself whole I am a whole person all by myself. As to what quality of a person that is for you to decide. I sit here wondering how in the Gods' green earth i expected others to make me happy? Was I insane? Only I hold the key to my happiness as I always have. I remember bits and pieces of conversation of long ago. One of them was with Ally's mother telling I had the charisma to do great things or end up like Hitler. Now I admit yes I am quite judgmental but have no desire to take over the world and conform it to my whim. Although I do admit at times I view humanity as a whole as a plaque on the earth destroying the balance of life. And for the most part unless I know you I don't like people, (see the part of viewing humanity as a plaque). I do question whether I should feel bad about this or not.No I don't plan and doing anything about the fact I don't like people unless there is a reason to. My friends have earn their existence in my world. The rest of the humans are nameless, faceless people that have the opportunity to enter  existence in my world if they choose to. If they don't no skin off of my teeth.

Well time to dust this thing off and post an update for my readers.  Christmas and New Years  were okay. I received my grades for last  quarter. 4.0 in Math 62, 3.9 in ENG 81, and a 3.2 in SOC 110  so my overall GPA is a 3.7 Woo hoo! My new pickup needs emissions, which round one it has not passed.  Need to get back to doing home work maybe I'll post something here later when my brain can actual compose better sentence structures.

PS. This Quarters Classes are as follows

ENG 100
MATH 072
BIO 100

I have spent the last week looking for a replacement vehicle as my Ford Ranger blew a head gasket after the water pump, radiator and hose where changed.  A buddy and I changed the oil in the truck Sat. What came out looked like milk chocolate. This was a very bad sign, because when oil looks like that it is a sign that water has gotten in the crank case. Thank the gods that my room mate's parents are letting me borrow their Ford mini-van till I get a new truck. Tomorrow I should recieve the wired cash from my parents so I can go it the truck I have been eyeing. Wish me luck.

Well the first week of college is finished, I am enjoy it so far. I would go more in depth but because of college I have home work to continue to finish. At my Job I have received a dollar raise. Yeah me! Friday night I saw Abney Park.  With this show it confirmed that my friend is right, I will enjoy Steam Punk. A stytle that I was part of even though I lacked knowing of Steam Punk it's self.

Well today is my Birthday and I turned 35 today. My roommate took me to the Crab Pot on the water front for lunch in Seattle. She also bought me a rind with an onyx stone in it. Currently she is in the kitchen making me a Birthday cake. Today has been a rather good day.

 

Yesterday Angie came and picked up her two cats and we went for a walk and a long talk. She still cares and loves me but feels we will never date again, thanks to Athena’s advice I was able to deal and understand this. She also stated that she would not be still trying to help me if, I was not worth it. We have made rough plans to have coffee or a dinner together about a month after I start college to see how we are doing. We both recognize that I still need space to heal over the hurts and pains of the break up. In our chat she shared some of her hurts and pains, and apologized for some of the things she did wrong dating me.  The time away has allowed us both to reflect on the relationship, and we are trying to remember the good times over the bad. She was able to recognize me standing up for myself, not worrying what people would thing about me, but having confidence in myself for what I believe. It took her leaving me for two important things to happen, for her to accept me for who I am, and for me to accept myself for who I am. She said, what all my friends have said for a long time, “Gryph, your not a bad person, don’t beat yourself up over this!”  Well your all right, I am not a bad person, I have made some bad choices, but I am a good person and plan to learn from my istakes.

I am currently struggling with an issue that life is not just black or white and there are a lot of grey areas. What I realize is that my future has endless possibilities. Using Angie as an example, we are no longer dating what are the possibilities of this situation?

 

• We go our own ways and never see each other again
• We meet in the future and decide to be friends
• We meet in the future and decide that is better to not be friends
• We meet and decide to start new
• We move forward in our lives and even though there is interest we have already moved on in our lives and have found someone to be happy with

 

 

I am sure there are many more possibilities but there are five possibilities I have just listed, showing to myself the world is not black or white. I understand that letting go of Angie does not have to be an all or nothing situation and that only time will show which path life is meant to take. I am struggling to let her go and not cling on, but I am still dwelling on it and cling on. I know this isn’t healthy so I am striving to take care of myself, because I do not desire to hurt myself like this again. It’s hard for me, I have to fight myself everyday right now to be happy with myself and allow myself to grow and change. I am striving to let go of my childish nature and the path I am trying to walk is uncomfortable to me merely because I am stepping out to the unknown, I am leaving my comfort zone. I know in my heart as long as I continue this journey I will be happier with myself as I continue to learn and grow.